Ever had one of those days where all you want to do is scream into the abyss? Yes, it is probably a bit dramatic I know, but would it make me feel better? maybe. Would it mean I am more prepared to tackle what is ahead? another task? another thought? be able to get up and move without a weight on my shoulders? more than likely not.

At the moment I currently feel like screaming most days. Working full time, raising a teenager on my own and trying to keep to navigate the day to day, which does not seem to get any easier the older I get.

Do you ever spend time questioning yourself, your motives, your actions and how they are interpreted by others? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I would like to hope that it can be seen that I am a very open, tolerant, compassionate and accepting person. I would also hope that it's clear to anyone I know they can call me anytime of the day or night (as long as my phone isn't on silent, which it often is... I do always call back though) and know I am there to help and listen.

But why is it sometimes we ourselves or in my case, I myself can not do that to others. I know my friends are there to help but I feel guilty about having those open conversations maybe it is my inner self telling me I am not allowed to be open. Especially when I know they have lots going on in their own life.

Maybe its the guilt of moaning over the little things, the idea that are you then being a selfish person? are you really talking about things that could be classed as first world problems. I would never make my friends feel like their feelings are not justified but then why do we do that to ourselves about our own feelings. Why do I?

The one thing I have always said to my teenager is to be honest with me. No matter what as long as you are honest we can get through anything. It's when there are lies or hidden parts of the stories these make the lies a lot harder to deal with as well as what ever has happened.

And this is the bit where I would laugh too, dealing with a teenager is hard in its self and expecting them to talk to their parent? be honest with their parent? who am I kidding. No teenager wants to open up their life like that to a parent. However when there are 2 of you, you need to be honest with each other, be truthful and communicate.

One of my favourite quotes is: The hardest thing about life is living it.

And isn't that the truth.

When my teen became part of the LGBQTIA+ community, my heart filled with love, I was so excited that there would be this new journey ahead but also scared that a lot of it would not involve me. Of course as a parent you have to let the teens go ahead and be teenagers but that doesn't stop you from worrying and being scared for them. You just hope and pray you have raised them correctly where they can experience life and be safe.

The whole last couple of years seem to be a blur where I know I haven't done things right and I have made mistakes but I am trying. It's hard being a parent when there is little or no support or guidance, no one to discuss your decisions and actions with that are there with you at the time the events happen.

There was never any doubt that I would not accept the teen as who they are, I always have and always will do. My teen is my best bud, my soul mate, my whole world. However this journey has been hard.

Every time I feel like I take a step forward, something makes me end up taking two steps back. As with everything finding the right information is key and being able to communicate in the right way is even harder. You don't want to say the wrong thing but you don't want to ask to many questions to someone who is trying to figure out who they themselves are?

So for myself and anyone else that might be going through this or a similar journey I will be here. Writing posts for myself and chatting away to the ether. For myself it has come to a point where I need to get all the words in my head out to try and unscramble everything so it makes sense. So I can be the support that is needed. Try and work out the right things to say, right questions to ask, right books to read, social media accounts to follow.

If however at the end of the day, no one in the big wide world of zeros and ones read my ramblings .... it doesn't matter ... as my main hope is that this will help me to stop feeling like I am drowning and screaming in to the abyss on a daily basis and failing as a parent....

As they always say first step... is to talk to someone.

So here is where I start..... Hello